i am horribly in love with him. and i think he has some idea but i doubt he knows the extent of it. i've known him for like a year and i've liked him all that time. i started falling when he was painted green and covered in fake blood. and i thought i hit bottom when (cliched as it sounds) he made love to me in the rain. then we fucked in his bed.
and i fell even harder. i know we can't work out ever. we honestly don't have much in common besides music, zombies, drugs, alcohol, and sex but i love him to distraction. his touch is electric and he is so beautiful it hurts.
i thought we could at least pretend that a relationship was possible but he told me he loves his best friend. she is a lot shorter than him and significantly skinnier than me and i can't help but think that he is choosing her over me because she is tiny and built like a fairy and i am taller than him and built like a pin-up girl.
i can't just edit him out of my life because we are in the same band and we hang out with the same people and go to the same shows.
what makes it even worse is that i have a girlfriend. she doesn't realise it but i'm just using her for sex. i don't think she's really gay but i know that pretty soon i'll fall for her for real and then my heart will be doubly broken. i'm pretty convinced at this point that i am entirely unlovable.
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